New Year's Resolutions

2 + 0 + 1 + 1  =  4

My 4 New Year's Resolutions in 4 words (so cryptic!):

1. Eat

2. Exercise

3. Read

4. Write

The rest's too personal. :)

Best of 2010

It's that time of the year again... And although I don't feel like celebrating... at all... Oh, well, New Year's Eve requires this small administration of awards... or the New Year might not come... And I sure don't want to be stuck in 2010 forever.

Person of the Year: Johnny Weir (from now on this will be "Person of the Year, the Johnny Weir Award" :))
Favorite Celebrities: Johnny Weir, Lady Gaga, Chris Colfer
Best TV Show: Glee
Best TV Drama: Life Unexpected
Best Film: Inception
Other Best Motion Pictures Watched in 2010: The Young Victoria, The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Best Singer: Glee Cast
Best Friend: Mimi P.
Best Actress: Natalie Portman (in Black Swan), obviously
Best Actor: Chris Colfer
Best Reality Show: Be Good Johnny Weir
Best Figure Skater: Johnny Weir
Best (Homemade) Ice Cream: Gianduja-Stracciatella Gelato
Best University: U Penn!!! all the way!
Best Boss: Dr. Romano (If only I could still work for him...)
Most Absurd: 1. Bulgaria, 2. I
Best Causes of 2010: 1. Equal Opportunity; 2. Gay Rights; 3. The Pursuit of Happiness Acknowledging Differences
Best Social Activist: Lady Gaga (Yay for DADT repeal)
Objects of Desire: Welcome to My World, Bare Escentuals (sort of got what I wanted in that respect :)), reading, writing, students, idealism, drive; green card; sparkling apple cider
Best Country: USA
Best Song: Defying Gravity, performed by Lea Michele and Chris Colfer
Best City: Washington, D.C.
Best Experiences: end of school year 2009-2010 (trips, Johnny, graduation...)
Best Food Store: Trader Joe's
Best Mall: King of Prussia
Best Clothing Experiences: Arden B.
Best New Hobby: Knitting
Best Hobby: (Gourmet) Cooking
Best Ice Dancers: Meryl Davis & Charlie White
Most Unfair: Johnny getting robbed of an Olympic medal :'((
Best Language Center: Stefimera!!! And if you've been to other language centers, you'll know what I mean...
Best Language: American English
Hard to Overcome: Going back to Bulgaria
Worst: Losing the Spark
Best: Worst is on its way to being resolved in 2011 :)) *fireworks*
Best Drink: Sparkling Apple Cider

Happy New Year!
Believe in yourselves and the best of tomorrows!

My Toothache Schedule

I'll start at noon...
12 pm: intense pain
2 pm: pain subsides... I mean, it gets more bearable, so I decide maybe I don't need a dentist right away.
6 pm: pain gets really bad again
7:30 pm: I take a pain reliever. Today I took an ibuprofen because I read somewhere it had an anti-inflammatory effect.
8 pm: pain gets better.
9 pm: pain is still ok, but I start freaking out. What if... it's something really dangerous?! What should I do?!
6-7 am: I wake up still freaking out, although pain is not that bad in the mornings.
7:30 am: cleaning procedures
8 am: pain is fine. I decide I don't need a dentist because it is healing...
12 pm: pain gets really intense again. HELP!

The cycle repeats.

Problem development: First, it was the gums, upper right side... Or so I thought...
The painful area grew smaller and smaller. No color-change. The gums were a little swollen, but they are not any more. Not even raw. Maybe only a little around the sixth tooth - which is the epicenter of pain now.
The inside of my cheek is raw, though, because of my saltwater treatment. No gum abscess it seems. I am very strict on oral hygiene these days. But I always brush my teeth for 4-5 minutes a day anyway. I bought Listerine to add to my oral care.
And I now I don't know what to do... ;(
On the one hand, I don't even know where I am supposed to go to ask for dental help... I just want someone to fix the tooth. Just that. No cleaning and cosmetic procedures. But of course, they'll make me pay for so much more than I absolutely need. Lesson already learned, unfortunately. :(
On the other hand, I don't have money. You pay $45 to be examined by a student... I have no idea how much you pay if you go to a real dentist. It's not like the Penn Dental Clinic would give me an emergency appointment anyway. No openings, you see.
And then, if it is really a toothache... What if I am given the option to either have the sixth tooth extracted or healed, but the healing costs so much that I cannot afford it. I don't want them to extract my tooth. ;( I can afford to have is saved in Bulgaria. But is it going to be too late? Then, even extracting it in Bulgaria will save me a ton of money. But what if it is more serious and requires immediate help...?! But they don't have emergency appointments left here anyway...
And finally, if it is nothing scary and will just get better on its own... Then the exam money would be totally wasted and I am seriously sort of broke right now... Or at least, I certainly don't have any extra money to waste. Plus, I don't even know how much I have to pay...
I really don't know what to do. This whole thing is completely and absolutely terrifying. ;( I don't have a dental insurance. I don't have any money, because this whole thing is totally not in my plan. ;( And I am scared in general. I want my tooth! What should I do????
HELP!

Nationals!!!

First day: Betsy, Eliza and I arrived early enough to be able to make it to the men's practice. It was general admission for the practices, so we kept moving downward until we were seated in the first row. It wasn't Johnny's best practice. So we were worried. You all have already probably seen the strange fall and how he flipped over. Anyway. Later, we found out that there were some ice problems. + Johnny wrote something about being distracted by someone eating French fries. So we would not dare to eat during Johnny's practices. :
We stayed for junior men and for the pair practices. By the time, we got to the hotel we were absolutely exhausted.
The next day we got up early to see the junior men short program. I was extremely sleepy during that event. Next, we sat in the first row to take pictures of the senior pairs during their short program warm-up practice. Keauna and Rockne's practices, btw, were very, very strong. They were one of the few pair who didn't wear their costumes, so I had to take pictures of them in the costumes during the warm-up for their group later on. Everyone looked good.
Next, we saw the pairs' short programs. It was an unexpectedly exciting competition. I was really sad for Keauna and Rockne. But Caydee and Jeremy were amazing. Some people from their skating club sat near me and they were so excited and cheering so loudly.
By that time, we were starting to get nervous. Men's SP warm-up practice followed. Johnny definitely made us relax during that practice. He was brilliant. He would always do a particular jump on a particular spot, so we figured that it was where he was planning to do the jump in the competition. Johnny and Jeremy were unfortunately in one and the same group in the short, so someone had to take pictures of Jeremy while I was totally distracted by the presence of the prince in black and pink. Betsy agreed to take the pictures. So we had a deal. So, yeah, the practice was brilliant and we felt confident that he would do well. Although, of course, we were still worried - only because this is inevitable - to be worried, I mean, when you want someone to do so well. :
It was really funny how excited we were at all the practices. Most of the people around us were actually asking us questions about the identities of the skaters. And we were discussing all of those weird foreign names, on top of the ones on the ice. There was one girl who told us we reminded her of herself when she was 5 years younger. It was lots of fun. We were giggling and applauding and even shouting Go Johnny! when his practice was over.
I took lots of pictures of Ryan, Adam and others, too. I even succeeded in taking pictures of Jeremy, who I have to admit looks amazing up-close. I noticed things about him I had not noticed at worlds, probably because I never made it to the men's practices there (too many papers due).
I was really glad to discover that Adam looks even more adorable live than in the photos and videos.
And I haven't mentioned anything about Johnny, because… Oh well, of course, I couldn't take my eyes off him. I even had to sacrifice some precious picture moments so that I can actually watch them live. He looks like the ultimate fairy prince in my world. Especially when he is waiting to take the ice. He has such commanding presence. And if I get into his unbelievable grace on the ice, my discussion of it will definitely make the "brief" report rather long even according to my standards. So yeah Johnny… Johnny is perfect, what more need we say.
As is probably obvious, I was trying to take great pictures during the practices so that I would not need to be taking pictures during the competition. Which is why I was surprised at a lot things the skaters did during their programs. I absolutely loved Adam's program, for example. But I had to wait to see it before I could be sure whether I liked him just because he is so cute or because he is an amazing skater, too. And I loved his skating! And the spins. Admittedly, his style is different from Johnny's at a face value. But I think what makes them similar is the effect their skating creates, the quiet beauty they are able to communicate. Hence, Adam's adjective at Nationals: beautiful. Johnny's are graceful and magical. I loved Jeremy, too, as always. But I am not sure what his adjective should be. In fact, I was a little angry with Jeremy after that event, because the judges had given him more than 4 points more than they had given Johnny. I don't think the gap between him and Johnny should not have been that vast. Whatever. Of course, it is not his fault, but I just couldn't help being a little angry with him in virtue of having a skating style so well-suited to the new judging system.
I was definitely disappointed with Johnny's placement. I think he deserved to be second. Johnny was perfect and Evan had mistakes. I hope the international judges will give Johnny higher scores. I was so happy after the axel! I had just read that some experts think it would be the most important jump in the competition for Johnny, so that I was seriously scared. But it all went smoothly. I was absolutely delighted he performed such a great program.
I don't really want to discuss Evan, because I honestly don't care about his skating, which doesn't have anything to do with Johnny. It's just his skating that I find boring. There was only one strange accident concerning Evan. He didn't bow after one of the practices. He just left the ice. When I looked for him, he was gone. But that's about the worst thing I can say about him. There are some interesting details that I'll share at the end, too. So Evan fans don't despair. :
The next day we woke up early in the morning. Eliza and Betsy wanted to get Evan's autograph and I wanted to arrive early enough for the pairs free skate warm-up practices so I can take pictures. So I head straight for the rink. Then, I found out Evan had not shown up. Well, that totally made sense, given that he had competed late the previous night and had a practice in the morning. I blamed it on AT&T. They announced he would be signing autographs in the evening, but Eliza and Betsy weren't interested anymore.
The pairs competition was amazing - very, very exciting. Again, I felt bad for Keauna and Rockne, but I believe they'll be fine next season. Amanda and Mark had the best lifts. Caydee and Jeremy were fantastic all over. Rena landed the throw triple axel. It was just a great event. The people from the South Florida Skating Club were crying together with Amanda, when she realized that she and Mark were going to be second.
We stayed for the medal ceremony. I took a lot of pictures. Again. Then we left for the Angel dinner.
Angel Dinner. It was so great meeting the Angels I knew and didn't know. : The Japanese Angels had some amazing presents for us, including Johnny's favorite Japanese dessert! Thank you so much, Japanese Angels! I am definitely going to wear the earrings. And the dessert was so good, indeed.
The food in the restaurant was really good, too. My first time eating Mexican food. Haha, I know, I am strange - but I love cooking at home, which is why I haven't been to too many restaurants.
I don't really want to mention names and conversation topic, lest I share some private information. But I will say that I really, really loved talking to each and every Angel at the dinner!
Two things I think I can share. We all went crazy over the Be Good Johnny Weir poster. Most of us hadn't seen the promo video yet. So seeing the poster on Betsy's phone, which was passed from one Angel to another, was an enormous treat! I still want that poster in a wall size. :
The other thing is my inquiries as to whether people have seen Adam anywhere in the official hotel, since I had a present for him and really wanted to meet him. Well, this will happen some day, too. About that later, though.
After the Angel dinner we went back to our hotel (just across the street) and watched the promo video 3-4 times, in spite of the fact that it would stop every 2 seconds or so. The internet connection wasn't that good I suppose. Then, we almost decided against going to the junior pairs competition and watching the Japanese version of Pop Star on Ice, which a Japanese Angel had given to Betsy. We resisted the temptation, though. And should I mention again, that the Japanese Angels are amazing?!
We saw the junior pairs. They were surprisingly good, too. We were very sleepy, though. Again…
And we knew we would have to get up early the next morning to make it to the men's warm-up practice. So the next morning, I woke up early to have the chance to work on my make-up. I love make-up, but I don't get to use it all that often, so I gladly take such great opportunities to have fun with it. :
We saw the first 3 groups. Then, Johnny. Then, the jacket. We hadn't realized that that was the jacket they were going to sell on his Sundance website. And yeah, it looks amazing live, so I totally recommend getting it. : And just as I was trying to take a picture of Johnny in the jacket, my hands trembling with the excitement, Johnny took it off to reveal the new costume. And, WOW! I think the new costume is a total masterpiece! It is so extremely beautiful, so sparkly, so fluffy, flying, floating, symbolizing. It's just totally working or rocking or whatever it is supposed to be doing and more. I could only compare its brilliance to highs in Johnny's career such as My Way or Otonal. It's another high, but of a different nature.
So we started taking pictures. I of Johnny, Betsy of everyone else. :D I don't know how I succeeded in taking pictures of the others, too, while Johnny was talking to Galina. Plus, I was excitedly applauding and what not… There was a strange moment when I was just applauding Johnny's 3a-3t when Betsy asked if I was applauding Jeremy's fall. Poor Jeremy, he had just fallen right in front of me, but I was looking to the other side of the rink where Johnny stood. The whole warm-up practice was intense. There was a funny moment (captured!) when Ryan and Adam were doing spins and they looked a little bit like pair skaters. :
Moving on… The long program segment began. At first, it was fine. But Johnny's turn was coming and I was growing more and more nervous. The last group was totally amazing! First, Ryan Bradly - clean skate, 2 quads, very entertaining. He almost made me relax, as I was laughing at the funny moments of the program. A standing ovation followed, of course. Well deserved. Then, Adam. Great skating! Poor Adam was so unhappy after the short that we were really worried about him coming into the long. But he did a great job. I thought he was somewhat tentative at first. But after the first footwork, he let himself loose and was great until the end. He looked really appreciative of the crowd's response to his skating. I just love him now! Skating, emotionality, gratefulness, great skin, charm, the Johnny effect - Adam has it all. The future of figure skating, right? : I gave him a standing ovation, too.
Next, Armin.
Followed by Evan. Fall on the quad. Double loop.
This competition was getting more and more intense, absolutely fiery.
Johnny! Perfect first jumps. Clapping, clapping! I was almost not nervous any more. Everything was going smoothly. And then, he popped the axel. And it was scary. Then, the step out and the missed third jump… Oh, well. You should have seen him doing the three-jump combination in the practices. It was soooo beautiful, hand above his head. Just stunning! Final spin. It was all right! I thought he had done enough. I wasn't absolutely positive, but I felt and hoped it was enough. And it was!!! We were all so happy. And then Jeremy. Oh, well, what can I say about that program? Olympic gold material! Plus, I was relaxed and able to enjoy his skating and be happy for him after every element. The technical panelist who spoke in our skating bugs actually said that Jeremy's straight-line footwork was Level 4. Hm. There were other difference between what they said and the protocols. I hope this doesn't imply anything bad about the actual technical panel at the competition…
About the skating bug: they gave us those radio type things with 3 channels: Channel A: technical specialists, who told us about levels and elements and what the technical panel is looking for and how scores are determined; Channel B: NBC (no one listening to Scott Hamilton?); Channel C: icenetwork.
Back to Jeremy, he was stunning and very, very happy.
For the medal ceremony, Eliza and Betsy were smart enough to suggest that we go to the section in front of which the skaters pose for their photos after the victory lap. We found seats in the third row and got ready. Apparently, while I was taking pictures of Jeremy and Evan, Johnny gave Ryan a hug, which I missed. I didn't miss anything after that, though. The medalists were awarded their medals and presents and took the victory lap. Then, they stopped in front of the section in which we were waiting. And then, the rink people played Lady Gaga's Bad Romance, while pictures were being taken. Johnny was already posing and having fun, when Betsy shouted "Work it, Johnny!" and he got even more into it. I hope you'll enjoy the photos.
After the medal ceremony we rode the bus to the hotel and were informed that Johnny would not be allowed to leave the rink before the public victory ceremony, so he would arrive at the reception a few hours later than planned. But that was fine. I went upstairs to change my coat. And then we all had fun eating desserts and mingling and talking and getting to know each other. It was even better than the restaurant. We met so many Angels and learned so many things about the past and the Olympics. We found out the selection for the Olympics was official, too. It was an amazing afternoon.
Then, Johnny arrived with David, James, Patti, Tara and Diane. Johnny loved the presents from everyone. He was very nice and relaxed, asking questions, smiling, explaining that he is still in his skating make-up, asking about the costume. One of the questions Sue asked him was about the best advice he has received, and he said "Be yourself." Then, the Angels who had never met him had the chance to talk to him and give him a hug. Then, we all lined to give him presents and hugs.
As to my personal conversation with Johnny, he was soooo extremely nice, as always! I received two hugs and a picture. : He asked about my future plans. Promised to skate better at the Olympics and to fight like a wolf. : Needless, to say how much I love Johnny!
Then, we took a moment to meet David and James, too. We took a picture with James only as David went off to film Johnny. I asked about the Be Good Johnny Weir poster and James said, he hoped it would be available to buy from somewhere. And I told him to make another Johnny Weir movie next.
And by that time I was at the and of my wits. Made obvious by my conversation with James. Plus, my English pronunciation was totally gone. But I had to meet Patti, too. So I went to her to introduce myself. She gave me a hug, too. And then they had to run - Galina's orders.
They left us the amazing angel keychains, whose bags Johnny tied. I don't think I am ever opening mine. I ate the Japanese chocolate, though, and it was so good. I am keeping the wrappings, don't worry.
Then we joined Theresa on her way to the Davenport. And had a wonderful dinner with Theresa and Joyce at the hotel restaurant. Oh, yea, we met Jeremy before that and gave him the presents and told him to go for the gold at the Olympics. Jeremy was extremely nice and cute, too.
Talking about cuteness, did I mention Johnny's jacket? He looked so great. And the jacket was so much lighter and more silvery metallic than it looks in the photos.
After dinner, we tried to find Adam to give him my present. But he wasn't there. And we had to leave for our hotel, while the shuttles were still running. The skater hunt and the dinner took place during the junior men free skate, but the night was totally worth it!
I had only an hour of sleep, and with tears in my eyes had to leave for the airport very early in the morning. I expected to see skaters at the airport, of course. Or maybe hoped to see someone (Adam), so I was looking about me. But no one was coming. Plus, my airplane was soo small. This was obvious even by the number of people waiting. So I had lost any hope that I would see skaters. And then, Evan Lysacek arrived. The seat next to me was empty, but thankfully he sat down in another empty seat and was just reading a newspaper. I really wanted to take a picture, but this would have been very impolite, I thought. So I didn't. He looked very good for so early in the morning, though, wearing a pinkish striped shirt and jeans and normal clothes. I was pleasantly surprised actually, as I can't usually appreciate his handsomeness.
So that was it. The adventure called Nationals.
The fairy tale I wished for had come true. Thank you, Johnny! And thank you, Angels, for making these four days so special for me. I had the time of my life!

Crash and Burn

Crash and Burn, Savage Garden

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Много хора ме питат какво точно искам от тях. Сетих се за тази песен. Мисля, че тя обяснява нещата донякъде.

Превод:

Сблъсък и пожар

Когато се чувстваш съвсем сам
и светът ти е обърнал гръб,
моля те дай ми възможност да укротя твоето диво сърце.
Знам, че имаш чувството, че стените се плъзгат към теб.
Трудно е да намериш утеха - хората могат да бъдат толкова жестоки.
Когато тъмнината вилнее пред вратата ти и имаш чуството, че вече не можеш да издържиш...

Позволи ми да бъда онзи, когото ще потърсиш.
Ако паднеш, аз ще те хвана,
ще те понеса и ще полетя с теб в нощта.
Ако имаш нужда да се сринеш,
знай, че аз мога да сглобя разбитото ти сърце.
Ако имаш нужда да избухнеш в пламъци, направи го,
аз ще съм до теб!

Когато имаш чувството, че си съвсем сам
и е трудно да намериш лоялен приятел,
когато се луташ из глуха улица,
ти и чудовищата в ума ти,
когато надеждите и мечтите са недосегаемо далеч,
и усещаш, че нямаш сили да се бориш с живота нито ден повече...

В този миг ми позволи да бъда онзи, когото ще потърсиш,
защото, ако паднеш, аз ще те хвана,
ще полетя с теб в нощта.
Ако имаш нужда да се сринеш,
знай, че аз мога да сглобя разбитото ти сърце.
Ако имаш нужда да избухнеш в пламъци, направи го,
аз ще съм до теб!

Защото винаги е имало болка,
и когато премине, отново ще моежеш да дишаш,
ще дишаш отново.

Когато се чувстваш съвсем сам
и светът ти е обърнал гръб,
нека укротя сърцето ти, диваче.

Нека бъда онзи, когото ще потърсиш,
защото, ако паднеш, аз ще те хвана,
за да полетя с теб в нощта.
Ако имаш нужда да се сринеш,
аз ще сглобя разбитото ти сърце.
Ако трябва да избухнеш в пламъци, не се страхувай, направи го,
защото аз ще съм до теб!

Best of 2009!!!

For the first year ever... my BESTs of 2009... :)))

Best Friend: Mimi P. (we've been through so much but we are still going strong!) :)
Hot New Food: Curry
Best Fashion Statement: Lady Gaga
Best Movie: The Time Traveler's Wife; 2. The Reader
Best Album: 1. This is Us, Backstreet Boys; 2. Where We Are, Westlife
Best Singer: Adam Lambert
Best Songs: Shattered, BSB; No More Heroes, Westlife; Shadow, Westlife; For Your Entertainment, Adam Lambert... among many others ;)
Best City: London, UK
Best Experience: World Championships of Figure Skating in LA (the week of my life!)
Best Skater: (you're kidding, right!) JOHNNY Weir
Best Book (I read in 2009): Atonement
Best Support System: 1. I; 2. Mama
Best Fruit: Cherries!!
Best Device: Kindle!
Best Character: A tie between Jasmine and Emo (sorry, but I really think he is so hilariously obnoxious :D )... Hm, but isn't Mike even better?... Yeah, ok, Mike! :)
Best Money Supplier: Tatko (give credit, where it's due... the man really spent a loooot of money on me)
Best Boss: Dr. Romano
Best New Friend: Amy
Best Tourist Destination: Italy
Artist of the year fro me: Van Dyck; can't wait to see more of Constable, though... :)
Best Classes of 2009: Freedom of the Will, Photography, War and Literature
Best Packed Dessert of 2009: Kinder Bueno Milk Chocolate (not white)
Best Homemade Dessert: The Slumdog Cake :D
Best Pill: Benalgin (thanks for saving my life)
Best Literary Era: Postmodernism
Welcome to the family: Topcho and Cupcho
New Addition to Favorite Skaters: Patrick Chan
Ice Dancing Team of 2009: Meryl and Charlie
Best Comeback of 2009: Stephane Lambiel, Shen & Zhao
Best Make-Up and Skin Care: Bare Escentuals
Best Hot Drink: Caramel Machiato
Best Theatre: Phantom of the Opera, Arcadia, When the Rain Stops Falling, Hamlet...
Best Actress: Rachel McAddams
Best Philosopher: Nagel
Best Ice-Cream: Gelato in Italy
Best Religion: 1. Atheism; empty... 10. Catholicism (what beautiful churches in Italy!)
Best Museum: The National Gallery of London
Best Clothes Sellers: Arden B., Armani Exchange, Camden's metal stores :D
Best Home: Buckingham Palace
Lady Skater of 2009: Yu-Na Kim
Objects of Desire: iMac (27'' - quad core), fun job, perfect small first home

That's it for now. I'll let you know, if I can think of something else. ;)

U4ene, zaetost, Filosofiq... ili ne6toto, koeto trqbva6e da e pismo do Mimi P.

Pak super mnogo se izdraznih zna4i. Ne, na tvoq e-mail, ne se pritesnqvai. Prosto vze da mi pisva da byda ocenqvana ot hora, koito imat za cel da dokajat na sebe si, 4e vyr6at pove4e rabota ot men, za da si vdignat samo4uvstvieto ili za da 4uvstvat usuliqta si opravdani.
Izob6to horata sa mnogo slojni i psihologi4eski protivore4ivi sy6testva.
Ima hora, koito tvyrdqt, 4e znaqt vsi4ko za sebe si. Mislq, 4e tova e super stranno. Super 4esto mi se slu4va da se 4uvstvam po opredelen na4in i da ne znam kakva to4no e pri4inata. I q tyrsq i tyrsq. I e mnogo frustrating, kato ne moje6 da q nameri6. A drugoto stranno e, 4e obiknoveno se 4uvstva6 taka, t.e. rovi6 za pri4ini i ne znae6 kakvo opredelq nastroenieto ti, kogato ne si syvsem dobre, ili use6ta6, 4e ne6to ne e nared... ili si tyjen, obiden, samoten... Znam li... Vse negativni ne6ta. Kogato sme 6tastlivi ni e lesno da opredelim mnogo various pri4ini za 6tastieto si. I 4uvstvame, 4e sme pravi.
4uvstvoto, 4e si prav... To4no tova e. Kogato dostigne6 do istinskata pri4ina, go znae6. Ponqkoga si samo na prav pyt i 4uvstva6, 4e si stignal celta. Togava se okazva, 4e si se lygal. Mnogo e slojno.
Kato bqh malka si predstavqh, 4e vsi4ko e ogromen pyzel, koito se my4im da naredim v oblacite (za6toto bqh na terasata na spalnqta). Ta opitvame se da naredim pyzela i kogato go podredim, izvednyj vsi4ko e nared. Use6ta6 nqkakvo spokoistvie, udovletvorenost, uverenost. Ponqkoga takiva 4uvstva sa samo vremenni i se okazva, 4e sa samozabluda.
Mnogo stranno.
No az opredeleno sym 4ovek, koito nai-mnogo ot vsi4ko se doverqva na 4uvstvata si. Dori ne znam dali moga da gi nareka to4no 4uvstva v konvencionalnoto ejednevno zna4enie na dumata... No sa onezi ne6ta, koito ti kazvat, 4e vsi4ko e nared ili 4e ne6to ne e nared, 4e si ne6tasten ili 6tastliv. I te opredeleno ne vklju4vat pred4uvstviqta! Po princip ne vqrvam v pred4uvstviq. Kogato ni se struva, 4e sme znaeli byde6teto (sprqmo daden minal moment, koeto ve4e e minalo v nastoq6teto), predi da doide, mislq, 4e poznavaneto e rezultat na absoljutno racionalno razsyjdenie, koeto oba4e e podsyznatelno, ili na obiknoveno naglasqne na fakti, taka 4e da izliza, 4e uj sme znaeli. Ta vyv vryzka s tova, mislq, 4e use6taniqta/4uvstvata, za koito govorq sa absoljutno racionalni v osnovata si, kato v racionalnoto im obqsnenie vklju4vam i 4ove6kiq slojen i neobqsnim faktor...
Ta kakto i da e.
Dotuk be6e kratko obqsnenie, za da moje po-dobre da me razbere6 v konkretniq slu4ai. Dori ne znam za6to ti pi6a tova. To ve4e vze da zvu4i kato blog, taka 4e moje i da go pusna online, kato go svyr6a.
Mnogo mi omryzna da se my4a postoqnno da opravdavam sebe si posredstvom mnogo rabota. Idiotsko e, absurdno. Ne znam kak i za6to zapo4na. Vsi4ki samo sravnqvame kolko sme natovareni, opitvaiki se da dokajem na drugite, 4e sme dobri pone kolkoto tqh, ako ne i pove4e. Ne znam. Imai predvid, 4e moje vsi4ki izrazi, koito izpolzvam da sa pogre6ni. O6te ne sym podredila syvsem pyzela.
I vse pak za6to vsi4ki sme se izpravili edni sre6tu drugi v edna absurdna voina po zaetost?! Tova li e ne6toto, koeto predava smisyl na jivota ni? Kyde e jiveeneto mu, po dqvolite?!
4uvstva6 se vinoven, 4e si propusnal tolkova vyzmojnosti... Ima detski knigi, koito ne si pro4el, kursove, na koito ne si hodil, dumi, koito ne si nau4il... Vse o6te ima u4eben material, koito ne si si navaksal, a si imal planove da si pro4ete6 o6te nqkolko romana ili eseta... O4evidno izpolzvam sebe si za primer, no govorq ob6to... Ima i filmi, koito ne si gledal ili novini ili revjuta i kakvo li ne. No zabravqme, 4e prez cqloto tova vreme, prez koeto ne sme pravili ne6to, sme pravili ne6to drugo, ne6to bez koeto moje bi dnes nqma6e da sme nie. Kakvoto i da e bilo, nezavisimo kolko bezsmisleno ni se struva, nezavisimo kolko malyk prinos ima za kakvoto i da bilo, e vsy6tnost mnogo po-zna4imo otkolkoto mu pozvolqvame da byde v mislite si. I ne samo zaradi character-building harakteristikite mu, ami za6toto tova e ne6toto, koeto sme izbrali da pravim, ili koeto taka ili ina4e ve4e sme napravili. I si e struvalo, za6toto si4ko si struva, za6toto nqma stabilen universalen smisyl i cel. Nadqvam se, 4e moje6 da po4uvstva6 za kakvo govorq, za6toto e mnogo trudno napylno da go racionalizira6. No vsy6tnost da, racionalizaciqta veroqtno naistina se krie v internaliziraneto na vsi4ko koeto ni se e slu4ilo, do kvintesaciqta na samite nas. Edin den po-malko televiziq, edno qstie po-malko, 1 4as po-malko razgovori v Skype, i nqma6e da sme nie, i ne za malko - 6tqhme da sme fundamentalno razli4ni!
I vse pak visim na glavite na horata i im opqvame kolko po-zaeti sme ot tqh ili kolko pove4e rabota sme sposobni da svyr6im.
I ne znam kakvo tolkova se vyrzvam na cqlata tazi istoriq. Az sym 4etvyrta godina student v edin ot nai-dobrite universiteti v sveta, do koito se dokopah, makar 4e bqh v neizgodna poziciq zaradi finansovata pomo6t, bqh ot 10te procenti nai-dobri studenti pri priemaneto si (BFS) i 6te zavyr6a s double major i minor i kato BFS student i imam dobri ocenki. Rykovodq 2 kluba, sledq vsi4ko po figurno pyrzalqne, hodq po 16-17 4asa na rabota vsqka sedmica, 4istq, gotvq, pazaruvam, poddyrjam vsi4ko v red i se my4a da sledq sumati seriali i vsi4ko, koeto izliza po kinata ili se slu4va v celebrity world. Kakvo to4no ne mi e nared na zaetostta? Vqrno, ne namerih vreme da napi6a roman ili kolekciq razkazi... Ima miliardi knigi, koito ne sym 4ela, koito moje bi biha mi se otrazili dobre. Ima trilioni ne6ta, koito moga da nau4a i ne znam... I kakvo ot tova! Az sym si az. Tova si e moqt jivot. I ne sym bezotgovoren 4ovek. U4a kolkoto moga. Ne, vsy6tnost u4a, kolkoto namerq za dobre. Znam, 4e moje i pove4e. No gotova li sym da se li6a ot ne6tata, s koito zapylvam vremeto si, dokato ne u4a. Pyk bili te i pylni gluposti kato facebook ili proveri si e-maila o6te milion pyti ili govori tri 4asa s nqkoq priqtelka ili mama po skype, ili popylvai dokumentite na klubovete i pazaruvai ot hilqda site-a za hrana i proverqvai twitter s vsi4kite mi sladki figurist4eta, ili pi6i recepti i proverqvai kak se gotvi porednoto super vkusno ne6to, ili gledai novata seriq na seriala ili prosto stoi na edno mqsto za po4ivka, ili si misli za jivota ili me4tai za perfektniq princ... Gotova li sym da se otkaja ot tezi ne6ta, ot nqkoe ot tqh? Ne! Tova sym az, tova e jivota mi. Vinagi ima za kakvo da syjalqva6, kogato misli6 prez micro le6ti, no, kato poglednem ne6tata po-globalno, ima li za kakvo da syjalqvame? Mojeli li sme da napravim ne6to razli4no? Ne i bez da zagubim sebe si!
I nqma za6to da se my4a da natrivam nosa na nqkogo, 4e sym po-zaeta ili izmy4ena ili vyr6e6ta po-slojna ili zna4ima rabota. Tova sa gluposti. Edin jivot, edna li4nost, za koqto da se griji6. I estestveno vselenskiq egoizym, koito propovqdvam vklju4va ljubov! Mnogo, mnogo ljubov, edinstvenoto ne6to osven 6tastieto, pred koeto si struva da byde6 otgovoren. Da ne govorim za dylbokite vyprosi ot roda na za6to pravim vsi4ko, koeto pravim. Otgovorite sa tolkova izklju4itelno elementarni i qsni, 4e na 4ovek mu stava qsno, 4e cqloto tova nadbqgvane kym krainata liniq na pylnoto izto6tenie e prodiktuvano ot absoljutna iljuziq, koqto oba4e do tozi moment ne sme se osmelqvali da izobli4im. Pravim vsi4ko, za da bydem 6tastlivi. Tova e otgovoryt! No zabravqme da bydem 6tastlivi po pytq, zabravqme i nakyde sme trygnali. I posle se karame koi e sposoben da svyr6i pove4e. Kakva idiot6tina!
Omryzna mi da se sravnqvam s nqkogo. Ako naistina tova, 4e ne u4a po cql den ili 4e vinagi sym gotova da zareja malko u4ene ili malko syn, za da prekaram vreme s istinskite si priqteli, ozna4ava, 4e spored vseob6tite kriterii az sym po-nis6 4ovek, SO BE IT (taka da byde)! Vseki si razpredelq vremeto sam i pravi izbori. Izbira kakvo da pravi, koga, koi pravila da sledva i koi ne... (ne 4e v universiteta imame pravila po otno6enie na u4eneto). Izbira da byde 6tastliv ili zabravq, 4e tam se e opitval da stigne, kogato e trygval. Vsi4ko e tolkova subektivno! Poslednoto, koeto ni trqbva e da se qdosvame zaradi takiva typi sravneniq...
A kogato naistina iska6 ne6to, namira6 na4in da go postigne6. Samo 4e moje i da se zamisli6 za6to to4no go iska6, dokato se bori6 za nego.
Az ne sym karierist ili nai-umniqt 4ovek, kogoto poznavate (makar 4e daite mi kriterii za ocenka!)... Az sym si Stef, edno malko, emocionalno filosof4e s razvito vyobrajenie i po-visoko ot srednoto samo4uvstvie. I tova iskam da si ostana!
I vinagi 6te imam vreme za onezi, koito obi4am. Make of it, whatever you want. I vinagi 6te imam vreme da obi4am. A az obi4am i ne6tata, koito u4a. I si im otdelqm dostaty4no vreme! No ne samo na tqh! To4ka!